I am sooo behind!! Sorry.

Ok so, as you all know I have not been writing much in a while. I mind as well just address what most of you already know:) I had a pretty rough spring and summer. I guess the only way to even try to explain it is I was just slapped in the face SO many times in a row with the fact that this is my life...and it's for the rest of my life. I guess I just never thought I would be this far down this road and be this person still that I just don't even know. Of course it's a lot more complex than that...but I am really not sure how to explain it to other people. I never thought my list of symptoms would actually mount and grow over time...I thought with time and hard work they would become easier to deal with. I felt like years of hard work just were not getting me anywhere.

I guess also so much of what has driven me over the last 4 years to be honest was anger. Anger at Jacob for what he did to Steve..to my kids...the anger drove me to get better, to make a difference. As my illness either stayed the same it was so discouraging. Then a week would come where it would just plummet, my world would fall apart. While on the outside doctors, family and friends would say that is normal I would think in my mind..he is winning. He is winning more and more and he has taken enough!! Enough is enough. Then knowing in my mind that if Jacob knew what a mess I was and am it would bring a SMILE to his face. It was just an internal battle that finally exploded.

Now, I am learning my limits. I am giving in to some of the limitations. I am understanding that it is ok if I no longer know the person I am. It is ok to grieve for the "me" I lost. Anyone who looses someone becomes a different person, but this was like something I had never experienced. No longer recognizing any part of me. From the inside out. Sure there were things that were probably positive changes, but yet they were changes. They were a different person. How do you look at yourself in the mirror and feel totally lost and unsure who you are? Puzzled really.

I had also found at times I thought I was hurting not Shelby, but Jackson by being the person I was. His behavior was not very different than what I would expect a 5-7 year old child's to be. I had it in my mind that I had caused that behavior. There was one insident in particular that really alarmed me and made me see this me that I am now in my child.

It was the end of the school year last year. Jackson LOVES anything to do with Army..anything military. His best friend Carson's Dad is in the Army and Jackson just LOVES that. Carson is also in cub scouts. They were having a special day for Cub Scouts one Saturday and he was invited to come. They were going to meet an Army guy and talk and hang out. He was so excited! All week that is all he talked about. Then Friday night came around and it began. He started getting sick, he started saying he couldn't go, he didn't want to go. He did not end up going but once the incident passed this became a recurring problem. After talking with him over time, watching his behavior I realized oh my gosh...it's me. He gets so nervous to do things he actually makes himself sick. That realization was a real breaking point. I realized I could actually be harming his recovery.

See..what I didn't realize though is that horrible night brought so much pain for everyone..I knew that. The death and broken trust I could help everyone deal with that. The loss of stability I could help my children deal with that. We could work through that together. The attack though...that was mine to carry...it could stay way back in the back of my mind and it was my burden to bear no one else's. The problem was....Jackson was there...he heard it all...he didn't understand.

I am not naive enough to think that Jackson does not carry some of these traits that I did because he essentially didn't know any different. If you think about it Shelby knew me as a different person. Jackson he was just turning 3, he honestly hadn't known me as a "regular" person. Part of his personality is because of the way he was raised, but some of it was his own trauma that he will carry for the rest of his life. As a mother it was a crushing moment to realize that it was not just my cross to bear.....my poor little baby had heard it all. He was in some ways going to carry this burden his ENTIRE life.

February 26, 2006..the day I read the police report for the first time and realized what I had probably already knew and blocked out. The night before Jackson was beyond controlling, he was hysterical. It took me, Jennifer and Damien over 2 hours to just get him to stop screaming and start talking. Through the baby monitor in my room Jennifer stood next to me as Damien finally got the poor 3 year old to stop screaming and talk in words that made sense. He simply said he hurt my mommy. She was screaming. I went through the stacks of paper and read this...

the child was found awake in his room hiding in the corner of his bunk bed with a pillow blocking his view of the door. He made no noise, but had been sitting awake hiding in the corner. It appeared he was trying to move into the bookshelf to shield himself from the defendant.

Jackson had heard everything.

My heart hurt. Hurt for this little boy. I felt so guilty that I did not protect him. That I had exposed him to that. Yes....anyone would say doctors, therapist and family you didn't put him in that position, you know it was not you. As a mother it's your job to protect.

I have spent the past 4 years when Jackson needs to deal with it being right there for him to vent on. He's been sad and scared, he's been mad a me. I can be whatever he needs me to be though. I guess I just needed to understand that I wasn't causing my children this pain. We all know who did that!!!! I was the only one who could possibly understand what that poor child heard that night. You see though, 9 months ago I just couldn't take it anymore. Like they say you have to hit rock bottom to go up. You have to finally say out loud I don't want to be here and I can't do it anymore to move past it. You can't carry that phrase in your heart for so many years and not say it and I guess that must be where I went wrong.

I am now trying to understand that this is my life and I don't have to be ok with it. That's really the bottom line. God doesn't expect me to be happy that I lived, he just expects me to live.

So....now you are all caught up. I want to say thank you so much to all my family and friends that prayed for me, my children...gosh my poor husband through this long road. The fight is not over and you know it probably never will be but I am committed to not giving up completely. You just have to fight!!!

Now we can move on to fun stuff :)