So we had a beautiful 1st snow this year. We got a fun snow day out of it and the cool thing is it was still around until today which doesn't usually happen in MO. Usually it's snowing one day and 65 the next. The kids got to do some more sledding today.
We woke up with the intention of making cookies, cupcakes and homemade candy for the neighbors like we do every year. I had everything bought ahead of time so it would be ready. I had to leave this morning to make it to the pharmacy before it closed so I did that and then decided I would run by Redbox...bad idea..nothing got done. We watched movies all day. It seems so rare anymore that all 4 of us are actually at home on the weekend. Shelby is older and has so many activities and of course is with her Dad on the weekend a lot so I guess I just decided to take advantage of it. I have a feeling this year may end up like a couple of years ago when it was ME making all the treats! Oh well.
Me and Shelby messed around on the computer a bunch today and created a you tube channel for our personal stuff. It is our new years resolution this year to stay more connected with our family even though most are far away. So we now have a you tube channel. I uploaded some video from this past year and am not done yet and then we started making some slide shows as well. We got the 2009 tournament all done already. We needed to do that to get it on the non profit website before we send out the team mailings in January for our teams anyway. So we killed two birds with one stone:).
Here is the our channel: http://youtube.com/2dogs2kidsmo
I think finally this year we will have made enough over the 4 tournaments to actually pay for the non profit stuff to be set up. I can't wait until we can! Then there is so much more we can do to help families who have been through situations like ours. They may not happen everyday but when they do there should be resources for those children. If anything can come from this I pray it's that it's simply one less child suffers so much.
So until next time.....Love to all.
P.S. I watched The View yesterday...I'm behind it was recorded and Aretha Franklin sang my FAVORITE Christmas song. Oh Holy Night....no one ever sings the whole song though!
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
I am sooo behind!! Sorry.
Ok so, as you all know I have not been writing much in a while. I mind as well just address what most of you already know:) I had a pretty rough spring and summer. I guess the only way to even try to explain it is I was just slapped in the face SO many times in a row with the fact that this is my life...and it's for the rest of my life. I guess I just never thought I would be this far down this road and be this person still that I just don't even know. Of course it's a lot more complex than that...but I am really not sure how to explain it to other people. I never thought my list of symptoms would actually mount and grow over time...I thought with time and hard work they would become easier to deal with. I felt like years of hard work just were not getting me anywhere.
I guess also so much of what has driven me over the last 4 years to be honest was anger. Anger at Jacob for what he did to Steve..to my kids...the anger drove me to get better, to make a difference. As my illness either stayed the same it was so discouraging. Then a week would come where it would just plummet, my world would fall apart. While on the outside doctors, family and friends would say that is normal I would think in my mind..he is winning. He is winning more and more and he has taken enough!! Enough is enough. Then knowing in my mind that if Jacob knew what a mess I was and am it would bring a SMILE to his face. It was just an internal battle that finally exploded.
Now, I am learning my limits. I am giving in to some of the limitations. I am understanding that it is ok if I no longer know the person I am. It is ok to grieve for the "me" I lost. Anyone who looses someone becomes a different person, but this was like something I had never experienced. No longer recognizing any part of me. From the inside out. Sure there were things that were probably positive changes, but yet they were changes. They were a different person. How do you look at yourself in the mirror and feel totally lost and unsure who you are? Puzzled really.
I had also found at times I thought I was hurting not Shelby, but Jackson by being the person I was. His behavior was not very different than what I would expect a 5-7 year old child's to be. I had it in my mind that I had caused that behavior. There was one insident in particular that really alarmed me and made me see this me that I am now in my child.
It was the end of the school year last year. Jackson LOVES anything to do with Army..anything military. His best friend Carson's Dad is in the Army and Jackson just LOVES that. Carson is also in cub scouts. They were having a special day for Cub Scouts one Saturday and he was invited to come. They were going to meet an Army guy and talk and hang out. He was so excited! All week that is all he talked about. Then Friday night came around and it began. He started getting sick, he started saying he couldn't go, he didn't want to go. He did not end up going but once the incident passed this became a recurring problem. After talking with him over time, watching his behavior I realized oh my gosh...it's me. He gets so nervous to do things he actually makes himself sick. That realization was a real breaking point. I realized I could actually be harming his recovery.
See..what I didn't realize though is that horrible night brought so much pain for everyone..I knew that. The death and broken trust I could help everyone deal with that. The loss of stability I could help my children deal with that. We could work through that together. The attack though...that was mine to carry...it could stay way back in the back of my mind and it was my burden to bear no one else's. The problem was....Jackson was there...he heard it all...he didn't understand.
I am not naive enough to think that Jackson does not carry some of these traits that I did because he essentially didn't know any different. If you think about it Shelby knew me as a different person. Jackson he was just turning 3, he honestly hadn't known me as a "regular" person. Part of his personality is because of the way he was raised, but some of it was his own trauma that he will carry for the rest of his life. As a mother it was a crushing moment to realize that it was not just my cross to bear.....my poor little baby had heard it all. He was in some ways going to carry this burden his ENTIRE life.
February 26, 2006..the day I read the police report for the first time and realized what I had probably already knew and blocked out. The night before Jackson was beyond controlling, he was hysterical. It took me, Jennifer and Damien over 2 hours to just get him to stop screaming and start talking. Through the baby monitor in my room Jennifer stood next to me as Damien finally got the poor 3 year old to stop screaming and talk in words that made sense. He simply said he hurt my mommy. She was screaming. I went through the stacks of paper and read this...
the child was found awake in his room hiding in the corner of his bunk bed with a pillow blocking his view of the door. He made no noise, but had been sitting awake hiding in the corner. It appeared he was trying to move into the bookshelf to shield himself from the defendant.
Jackson had heard everything.
My heart hurt. Hurt for this little boy. I felt so guilty that I did not protect him. That I had exposed him to that. Yes....anyone would say doctors, therapist and family you didn't put him in that position, you know it was not you. As a mother it's your job to protect.
I have spent the past 4 years when Jackson needs to deal with it being right there for him to vent on. He's been sad and scared, he's been mad a me. I can be whatever he needs me to be though. I guess I just needed to understand that I wasn't causing my children this pain. We all know who did that!!!! I was the only one who could possibly understand what that poor child heard that night. You see though, 9 months ago I just couldn't take it anymore. Like they say you have to hit rock bottom to go up. You have to finally say out loud I don't want to be here and I can't do it anymore to move past it. You can't carry that phrase in your heart for so many years and not say it and I guess that must be where I went wrong.
I am now trying to understand that this is my life and I don't have to be ok with it. That's really the bottom line. God doesn't expect me to be happy that I lived, he just expects me to live.
So....now you are all caught up. I want to say thank you so much to all my family and friends that prayed for me, my children...gosh my poor husband through this long road. The fight is not over and you know it probably never will be but I am committed to not giving up completely. You just have to fight!!!
Now we can move on to fun stuff :)
I guess also so much of what has driven me over the last 4 years to be honest was anger. Anger at Jacob for what he did to Steve..to my kids...the anger drove me to get better, to make a difference. As my illness either stayed the same it was so discouraging. Then a week would come where it would just plummet, my world would fall apart. While on the outside doctors, family and friends would say that is normal I would think in my mind..he is winning. He is winning more and more and he has taken enough!! Enough is enough. Then knowing in my mind that if Jacob knew what a mess I was and am it would bring a SMILE to his face. It was just an internal battle that finally exploded.
Now, I am learning my limits. I am giving in to some of the limitations. I am understanding that it is ok if I no longer know the person I am. It is ok to grieve for the "me" I lost. Anyone who looses someone becomes a different person, but this was like something I had never experienced. No longer recognizing any part of me. From the inside out. Sure there were things that were probably positive changes, but yet they were changes. They were a different person. How do you look at yourself in the mirror and feel totally lost and unsure who you are? Puzzled really.
I had also found at times I thought I was hurting not Shelby, but Jackson by being the person I was. His behavior was not very different than what I would expect a 5-7 year old child's to be. I had it in my mind that I had caused that behavior. There was one insident in particular that really alarmed me and made me see this me that I am now in my child.
It was the end of the school year last year. Jackson LOVES anything to do with Army..anything military. His best friend Carson's Dad is in the Army and Jackson just LOVES that. Carson is also in cub scouts. They were having a special day for Cub Scouts one Saturday and he was invited to come. They were going to meet an Army guy and talk and hang out. He was so excited! All week that is all he talked about. Then Friday night came around and it began. He started getting sick, he started saying he couldn't go, he didn't want to go. He did not end up going but once the incident passed this became a recurring problem. After talking with him over time, watching his behavior I realized oh my gosh...it's me. He gets so nervous to do things he actually makes himself sick. That realization was a real breaking point. I realized I could actually be harming his recovery.
See..what I didn't realize though is that horrible night brought so much pain for everyone..I knew that. The death and broken trust I could help everyone deal with that. The loss of stability I could help my children deal with that. We could work through that together. The attack though...that was mine to carry...it could stay way back in the back of my mind and it was my burden to bear no one else's. The problem was....Jackson was there...he heard it all...he didn't understand.
I am not naive enough to think that Jackson does not carry some of these traits that I did because he essentially didn't know any different. If you think about it Shelby knew me as a different person. Jackson he was just turning 3, he honestly hadn't known me as a "regular" person. Part of his personality is because of the way he was raised, but some of it was his own trauma that he will carry for the rest of his life. As a mother it was a crushing moment to realize that it was not just my cross to bear.....my poor little baby had heard it all. He was in some ways going to carry this burden his ENTIRE life.
February 26, 2006..the day I read the police report for the first time and realized what I had probably already knew and blocked out. The night before Jackson was beyond controlling, he was hysterical. It took me, Jennifer and Damien over 2 hours to just get him to stop screaming and start talking. Through the baby monitor in my room Jennifer stood next to me as Damien finally got the poor 3 year old to stop screaming and talk in words that made sense. He simply said he hurt my mommy. She was screaming. I went through the stacks of paper and read this...
the child was found awake in his room hiding in the corner of his bunk bed with a pillow blocking his view of the door. He made no noise, but had been sitting awake hiding in the corner. It appeared he was trying to move into the bookshelf to shield himself from the defendant.
Jackson had heard everything.
My heart hurt. Hurt for this little boy. I felt so guilty that I did not protect him. That I had exposed him to that. Yes....anyone would say doctors, therapist and family you didn't put him in that position, you know it was not you. As a mother it's your job to protect.
I have spent the past 4 years when Jackson needs to deal with it being right there for him to vent on. He's been sad and scared, he's been mad a me. I can be whatever he needs me to be though. I guess I just needed to understand that I wasn't causing my children this pain. We all know who did that!!!! I was the only one who could possibly understand what that poor child heard that night. You see though, 9 months ago I just couldn't take it anymore. Like they say you have to hit rock bottom to go up. You have to finally say out loud I don't want to be here and I can't do it anymore to move past it. You can't carry that phrase in your heart for so many years and not say it and I guess that must be where I went wrong.
I am now trying to understand that this is my life and I don't have to be ok with it. That's really the bottom line. God doesn't expect me to be happy that I lived, he just expects me to live.
So....now you are all caught up. I want to say thank you so much to all my family and friends that prayed for me, my children...gosh my poor husband through this long road. The fight is not over and you know it probably never will be but I am committed to not giving up completely. You just have to fight!!!
Now we can move on to fun stuff :)
Monday, March 30, 2009
New Clorox Bleach Commercial
I don't know if anyone else has seen this new Clorox bleach commercial. It's been on for a couple of months but I just saw it again and it infuriates me! 90% of poisoning deaths each year are from children in their own homes. This commercial shows basically a mom and a baby and her using the bleach to wash bottles and such. I think we are in an age were we all at least know we don't wash our children's products in bleach no matter what kind of cleaners you use. But are you kidding me. This is horrible. I waited to say anything and my husband usually doesn't get in a huff about things like this but when he happened to see if and say something about it I knew I wasn't over reacting. This is awful. I googled it on the Internet and apparently I am not the only one mad about it. But I just had to vent. I think Clorox needs to stop this campaign! Find the right market to market your product to!
That was my vent for the month..
That was my vent for the month..
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Crazy Weekend
So we got some snow and ice today and it's insane. My brother in law has been snowed in for 3 days in Greensburg, KS where he works. A friend of mine in OK was snowed in and couldn't get out of her house. This weather is insane. Seriously. It's the major ups and downs I don't get.
So we have had a good weekend so far. Jennifer took the kids to see Monsters vs Aliens at the imax theater and they stayed the night. She was cracking up because she put a PS2 in their room...yes they have a room there and they both sat on the couch and played on her iphone for hours until they fell out asleep.
One of Jackson's friend's Carson..his little brother had a birthday party at the YMCA today, a swimming party. Nothing like swimming in a snow storm. So we went to that and wow was Jackson happy to get out of the house. We stoped at Redbox and got some movies...how about that Redbox..wow love that. $1 to rent a movie, you can't beat that.
Here are some pictures of the kids swimming. I left Jackson at the party on purpose to see how he would do. I took my cell phone and went to the grocery store right up the road because it was so bad, of course it had all stopped (the snow) by the time I got back to the party. But I left for about an hour and he did good. Shelby was with him though and I don't realize because of the regular sibbling fighting how much she nurtures and cares for him. I know she really does love him, even though no sibling wants to say that. I caught some great pictures while they weren't looking.
Tomorrow is my cooking for the week day and getting all the clothes out for the week so I don't like Sundays too much but everyone is excited I am making fried pork cops and cheesy potatoes. It takes forever but they love it...heck I love it but it's so dang bad for you.
My CD player quit working in my car and wow do I feel like I am back in the old days, can't find my ipod, no cds..what's left radio...who listens to the radio..lol. So I gotta find something to listen to.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
I'm Going To Be An Aunt Again
I am so excited I am going to be an aunt again. Christopher (my little brother) is having a baby...well his girlfriend is...we don't want to end up on 20/20! They thought she was due in Dec...but she is due in August...wow. But it's a baby girl!!
I am so excited for them. I am so excited for a girl! I love all my nephews to death but it's time for girl for god's sake. I have had 3 boys added to my family in the last year! Shelby and Annie are so far apart too, it's not like they are that close..I am so excited.
I love spending time with Annie, it reminds me of Shelby when she was little..so I'm excited for another baby girl...again love my nephews and my son though:)
I am so excited for them. I am so excited for a girl! I love all my nephews to death but it's time for girl for god's sake. I have had 3 boys added to my family in the last year! Shelby and Annie are so far apart too, it's not like they are that close..I am so excited.
I love spending time with Annie, it reminds me of Shelby when she was little..so I'm excited for another baby girl...again love my nephews and my son though:)
We Are Back....Sick
So we made it back from Wichita on Saturday...yes that was a few days ago. CJ's grandma all of the sudden took a turn for the better. Which is great. She went from them talking about hospice to them sending her to a regular room.
I hope that it all works out. She does have congestive heart failure so I know over time it's going to be harder for her to come out of these episodes. But she is ok for now.
So.....we were heading home Saturday and Jackson stayed over with his grandparents Tom and Mary. When we figured out that Jackson's allergies were not caused by dust, they were caused by household cleaners most of us switched our cleaners, Mom did, CJ's parents and I kept hinting to Tom and Mary...but you don't want to tell someone how to live in their own house..
So Saturday Jackson comes back and his eyes are watering..by today it's back to the old days. He has bronchitis and almost double ear infections. So we have inhalers, puffers, and antibiotics. So tonight I called Mary and told her what happened. What is wierd is that she said Tom had been worried about Jackson, he even had a dream about him. I told her I didn't care I would buy the stuff, but they had to switch. I explained it all. She totally understood. I explained it doesn't work unless you get rid of everything when you switch. If you still have those toxins in your home. So I talked to her and she totally understood. I don't know why I was so worried. She said of course the health of our grandbaby is the most important thing..plus Chase my nephew has horrible asthma and a lot of that comes from cleaners too, so it will help him too.
So I feel a lot better I was worried...really worried..why do we stress so much about the dumbest thing.
I gotta go bcz I have been so excited to watch In The Motherhood..we will see if it's any good.
I hope that it all works out. She does have congestive heart failure so I know over time it's going to be harder for her to come out of these episodes. But she is ok for now.
So.....we were heading home Saturday and Jackson stayed over with his grandparents Tom and Mary. When we figured out that Jackson's allergies were not caused by dust, they were caused by household cleaners most of us switched our cleaners, Mom did, CJ's parents and I kept hinting to Tom and Mary...but you don't want to tell someone how to live in their own house..
So Saturday Jackson comes back and his eyes are watering..by today it's back to the old days. He has bronchitis and almost double ear infections. So we have inhalers, puffers, and antibiotics. So tonight I called Mary and told her what happened. What is wierd is that she said Tom had been worried about Jackson, he even had a dream about him. I told her I didn't care I would buy the stuff, but they had to switch. I explained it all. She totally understood. I explained it doesn't work unless you get rid of everything when you switch. If you still have those toxins in your home. So I talked to her and she totally understood. I don't know why I was so worried. She said of course the health of our grandbaby is the most important thing..plus Chase my nephew has horrible asthma and a lot of that comes from cleaners too, so it will help him too.
So I feel a lot better I was worried...really worried..why do we stress so much about the dumbest thing.
I gotta go bcz I have been so excited to watch In The Motherhood..we will see if it's any good.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
.JPG)